blamegame

This may be a sad one, but it is something that I was thinking about today....

so sometimes when I'm thinking about us and I see a couple, i feel sad and empty like why am I not living this Life with you which I always wanted? Where did it go wrong?

This makes me go back to the time when my mom found out about us and I panicked making our whole relationship rocky, from then well at least in my brain and all of this blame goes to that person who sent the photos and told everything lie.

But when I look at the bigger picture, I realize that! that helped us bring out the flaws in me and how I made the relationship week if that would have never happened I would have not worked harder. Same way in the last 2-3 years, I think it's been two years at least i have learned that a lot of my character and things needed to change for the better I needed to mature understand stuff value you more and that's what I've been doing trying to change myself become a better person and maybe if we were married and together I would have had a tough time changing because I would think that this is what you got married into. Why do you have a problem with it right now but going through all this changes and feelings and understanding everything to be good enough to get married is maybe what is Allah [سبحانه و تعالى]'s plan and I hope I reach the end goal very soon which is become a capable man and someone you deserve as your partner (you have always been out of my league). I wonder what's your thought on this because you have Ma Sha Allah grown so much, like in my eyes you've always been amazing and wow and everything but I was reading an email or something from 2020 and it was like you trying to act cool by using not so cool words means they were like bad words which is cool and all but so not you like you ! you wouldn't just say "shit" to anything ! I'm not saying that .... that character of you that year was wrong but clearly seeing you now I understand that there was a much better version of you yet to be achieved. That's the person you've become now however I loved it and I adored you back then also, but the person you've become now who always is happy with what you have and trying to live Life but ya the only thing missing is me in it. You're living your best life. Why can't I be part of it? I would love to be a part of it.

But again the point is that it's lovely to see you be so happy and grow and just do what you feel is good for you really taking life in your control. You're so beautiful and you're such a pleasant person and you care so much about all your friends and family and you have such healthy relationships with everyone wherever you go. You make friends for life and you're so caring and sensitive to them. I used to think that your previous friendships will dawn on you but again Allah [سبحانه و تعالى] wanted to give you much better friends you deserve! much like you nice, sweet and gold hearted I guess Allah [سبحانه و تعالى] has an amazing plan for you. Just hopefully he has put me somewhere in. I really need to be there seeing you live your best life with me.

Whereas I am simple. I just wanna get rich so i can take a photo of you in front of every car I buy (needs to be in 100s) and spend all my time with you. It's 5 AM. Just prayed and made Dua that we be together...... so just had to share this thought with you i had earlier. I don't know if I was able to articulate it well enough, what's in my mind but yeah, thank you for making me a better person or at least making me work to be a better person to someday that Allah [سبحانه و تعالى] sees my change and the person I've become and with his great wisdom sees me as worthy to be married to you and hence makes the zarya for us.

In Sha Allah